Your May Horoscope.
We’re almost halfway through 2017, and yet it seems so far no better than 2016. Are we all feeling a little lost? Annoyed that we haven’t found our soul mate yet? Annoyed that we still want a soulmate? Annoyed that we have a soulmate but really hate sharing the bed? Are you disheartened that it’s 2017 and Minions are still a thing? Me too, man, me too.
Need a little guidance? No worries, here I am, with your truly legitimate* horoscopes for May.
*In no way am I qualified for this.
Aries
Wow, why are you even reading this? You’re clearly killing it right now. Look at you, with your free trade, almond milk latte! If you haven’t already, May is the month to say it like it is. That cute guy at work? Why don’t you tell him that you’re tired of seeing him eat 2-minute noodles every day at lunch, and offer to take him out? That hunk that super liked you on Tinder but never messaged you? GO FOR IT. Feel like you need to speak up about the person that leaves the toilet messy? This is your time to shine.
Taurus
Babe, you’ve had a rough one. Sit down, let’s have a cup of tea and discuss this. You’ve had a lot going on, and you keep feeling like you’re going to miss the line, but you know what? That’s okay. It is absolutely okay to not be 100% perfect all the time. You’ll need to take some time out, and this will probably show in being creative. Hey, why not take a banging selfie? Make your own ACAI Bowl and let everyone on social media know you’re doing just fine, because you are.
Gemini
Are we in a little bit of a tough patch here? Feel free to ask for advice, you don’t need to be doing everything all on your own. Ask for help from your friends and family, voice your opinion if need be. Felt like Sharon went a bit short with the cream on your scone last weekend? Ask your pals for advice on a polite way to bring this dairy issue up.
Cancer
Mate, why do you keep putting your foot in your mouth? You’re making things so hard for yourself! I know it’s hard not to objectify when someone says they don’t like Shannon Noll, but you have to keep it together! This means that you need to learn to hold back instead of tweeting every one of those late night thoughts about your ex. Cut it out, okay?
Leo
This is your month of realising things, and boy, you will realise a lot! Not much else is happening, besides you realising all those things. Which means you’ll be feeling a lot of regret, stupidity, and sometimes, even self-loathing. All those late nights spent thinking about the time when you thought Bali was a country? Yeah I know, painful, but it’s all going to work out for you to grow into the person you realised you need to be.
Virgo
Virgo, damn it, why are you always worrying about problems that aren’t even yours? You can’t put all your efforts into helping other people, when you’re struggling to help yourself! Take some time out, work out your priorities, you’ve got some big projects too. Knowing you, and your perfectionist tendencies, you’re trying to fix every little thing before moving on. Sometimes, you just need to let go, sit back with a white wine, and let the issue solve itself.
Libra
This month seems to be the month of relationships for Libra, which could be either bad or good, up to you boo. Looks like you’re going to be giving some of your relationships a good rethink, maybe consider whether you’re benefitting from them, or reevaluating what you need in them. This doesn’t necessarily mean romantic relationships; it could be friendships or work relations too. This is your time to get rid of those annoying friends that only call you when they're drunk to talk about their exes.
Scorpio
This month is a fresh start for you, it’s a good time to pick up something new, how exciting! All those times you thought about taking up a new weekend hobby but got distracted by Netflix, now is the time to stop binging and start knitting, or something. Why not buy a bike? You can ride that to your new Yoga class! Maybe even make an Etsy store selling Dream Catchers made out of consumerism and hope for a better night’s sleep! The options are endless!
Sagittarius
Sagittarius, this is apparently your month to exercise, and thank god for that, because that means that me being a Virgo, I can leave the whole gym thing to you guys, obviously. So go do whatever you’re meant to do to burn calories, go for a walk around the block, or even start doing daily naps? Did you know that napping can burn up to 95 calories* and hour? Well now you do, you’re welcome.
* Not 100% accurate.
Capricorn
If you’ve been spending the last few months tirelessly waiting for something good to happen, do I have some news for you! Oh no, I don’t mean anything will necessarily change, but if you keep hoping for things to improve they eventually probably will. But who really knows? Maybe have a Matcha green tea and just focus on what you have achieved, which is quite a lot, I mean, maybe? I wouldn’t know. I’m sure you’re doing well though.
Aquarius
Aquarius! I think you’re the only ones that have the opportunity to find love this May!! How exciting is that! Think of all the shaving you’ll have to do! YAY! Although you might find love, I didn’t say it would be smooth sailing, because hell, even in Disney movies love doesn’t come easy. You might realise that the situation is more complicated, which sort of sucks for you, but also life is mostly just full of pain, and everyone will hate you if you find love anyway. YAY.
Pisces
Oh my god, plot twist, Pisces could also find love this month? Yep, that makes two of you that are going to have to settle with your friends constantly asking if your new lover has any cute friends that are single. Oh well, tough luck. It seems you’re also going to feel a bit overwhelmed with work this May, and you’ll feel as if you’ll never get it done in time, but you know what? Treat yourself, don’t worry too much about not getting things done in time, and make sure that you’re in a good headspace, Namaste.
