How to survive a zombie apocalypse - AUSSIE EDITION!
I’m just going to say it. China and India are f-cked. Sharing more than 2.5 billion people between them? No one’s escaping that. But luckily here in the land down under, the Hemsworth brothers and Vegemite aren’t our only assets.
According to the Zombie Research Society, Australia is the safest country in the world to inhabit during a zombie outbreak. In contrast to China and India’s imminent doom, our population only stretches to approximately 7.5 people per square mile.
I like those odds.
Obviously, we've all seen our fair share of zombie horror. However, they're almost always centered in the US, which can be somewhat of a disadvantage. This influence clouds the logical part in your brain which desperately shouts that you’ve never handled a shotgun. Grand Theft Auto cannot be relied upon for reloading and general gun handling technique.
With that in mind, here are some revised Aussie tips on beating the zombie plague.
1. Milo, milo, milo
Regardless of whether you’re stocking up for Z Day or your classic winter black out, supplies should be priority numero uno. This is just standard emergency protocol, and something you should have sorted before disaster strikes. Having your basic stock of water and non-perishable food will save you a lot of panic during the initial outbreak. Recognise that you're not above eating Milo straight from the can and stock that shit up.
Preparation also includes weaponry. Thankfully, guns are not as widely available here but this means we’re somewhat limited in options. Your best chance is to head down to Bunning's and buy anything with a pointed edge. Practice impaling grass piles after the Sunday mow. Set rumours ablaze. On the plus side, no one will dare park in your street side spot.
Preparation also includes keeping up to date with local and world media news runs. An epidemic doesn’t occur overnight. Unless you’re unlucky enough to be patient zero’s neighbour. Physicists at Cornell have developed a simulator with the purpose of tracking the progression of a zombie virus in the US. Even in the third most populated country in the world, it was clear that at the very least the public would be aware of a spreading plague. Check Facebook. Hopefully your ex’s face has been clawed off.
3. Know thy enemy
Watch the classics. Figure out how to kill the suckers. Recognise that there’s a difference between Walking Dead and World War Z zombies. If it's I Am Legend or Z zombies just accept your fate. The only person with a chance is that kid who always came first in cross country; and still had the energy to go find stranglers who had passed out in the bush.
4. “Marge the rains are ere”
Contrary to popular belief, it’s a good idea to stay close to home. The grass will not be greener on the other side. Unless you’re in the inner city, your best chance is remaining around your suburb. Zombie expert and President of the Zombie Research Society, Matt Mogk explains, “If you think it’s really bad where you are, it’s worse somewhere else. Because you don’t even know that place so you have a whole another survival disadvantage."
Transport will quickly become ancient history. Notice that in film, the roads are conveniently parted? Not a chance. The only mobile option in your garage will be your mum’s pushbike. If you’re lucky enough to travel, Google simulated Map of the Dead suggests heading deep inland or toward the sea.
5. This is not the time for a Macca’s run
Don’t be an idiot. Predict where people will congregate and avoid the bloodbath. Society will quickly break down and digress into small feral gangs, fighting over the last few cans of tuna fish. In the event of an outbreak, do not go to Woolies. When was the last time you went to the store and made it home in a tight half hour? Now, imagine that every other shopper has a major case of the huns and isn’t picky about their source of protein. If you're really desperate, send your least liked group members to scout out the situation. If they return, expect that they've been bitten and are the type not to tell anyone. Assuage your guilt by rationalising that this is a dick move and you only let them hang around because you can outrun them.
So there you have it. Stay smart, stay strong and invest in one of those storage beds you can hide inside.
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