Growing up 'culturally confused'
Several weeks ago, actress Charlotte Nicdao wrote an article on how non-white actors are struggling for recognition. It was a compelling article. But it made me think about myself and my own experience with diversity, particularly when it comes to my cultural identity.
From an early age people told me I was culturally confused because I was born in France, raised by New Zealand parents, one of whom had Asian heritage . If that wasn't confusing enough, I’ve lived in Australia for most of my life.
As I navigated high-school I still experienced the occasional racial slur about some aspect of my ethnicity but I just learnt the best way to deal with it was to laugh it off or give a witty response. Looking back, this was not the right reaction. I should have stopped and explained why racial slurs were not appropriate and why it was not funny. Perhaps I was scared of not fitting in, or maybe I didn’t feel ready to accept myself.
From an early age I’ve been asked ‘where are you from?’. I understand that people are curious about my ethnicity and I am happy to discuss it. However, I feel that 'where I am from' should not be how I am defined. I am not just a race, I am a person who has interesting traits, talents and flaws that would make much more interesting points of discussion.
Last year I went travelling, like so many others who took a Gap year. The majority of people I met would ask the 'where are you from?' question within an hour of meeting me. But an encounter with a 20-year-old Australian man was by far the most shocking. We were sitting on a bus and he struck up conversation. He introduced himself and then his following questions was: ‘Where are you from?’
Assuming he meant which country did I call home, I replied: ‘Australia’.
He responded: ‘No, why are you Asian?’.
It seems almost funny now, but at the time I was shocked. I responded with the token ‘my grandparents are from China’, but inside I was confused. Why did it matter if I looked like a certain race? Why was that any more important than any other conversation we could have had? Surely I was more than just a race.
I strongly believe that race and ethnicity are elements that make up our identity. They are one of the primary categories that identify us throughout our lives. To be subject to questions like: "Where I was from? Where were my parents from? Or why I was Asian?" makes me feel excluded and unwelcomed. I have been subject to racial slurs and subject to stereotypes. As a little girl, I dreamt of ‘fitting in’ with all my Australian friends. I do not pretend that others have suffered more than I have, but Australia prides itself as a multicultural society. It has taken me nearly 20 years to finally feel comfortable with my cultural identity.
On a lighter note, the cultural confusion does have a benefit. During any sporting event, such as the rugby, Olympics, netball or swimming I often get asked which country do I support? Which one do I want to win since I am ‘culturally confused’?
My answer- all of them.
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